i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
