a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
