Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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