guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
