oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
