On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
