i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
