you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
