If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
