I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
