I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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