Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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