if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
