i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
