we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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