I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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