i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
