We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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