evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
