woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
