I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
