My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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