I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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