Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
