K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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