WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
