I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
