apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
