why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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