i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Randomize
