smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
