I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
