Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
