I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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