I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
This baby is an asshole
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
