Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
