Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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