i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
