I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
