im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
