I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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