True but thats because hes a fetus.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
