Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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