I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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