I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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