Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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