Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
