Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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