I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
