I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
