Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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