There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
